unsettled

Friday, August 7, 2009


four loves - insects, beautiful illustrations, Cavallini and pre dusk golden light

Change is never easy.
You fight to let go.
You fight to hold on.

Daniel Stern - The Wonder Years

It's all I think about these days. I might not mention it as often here mostly I think because the whole subject causes me so much confusion. I have never experienced such push pull feelings. I love this place, this village by the sea, it has become my extended nest. It's where I hide away safely from the rest of the world. It's familiar and easy and this once very brave girl has become frightened of a bigger life. I feel lonely daily but I convince myself otherwise. I feel envious and filled with regret much of the time. I feel trapped and yet I'm hanging on for dear life. I don't know what to do ... and all of my life, since I was very young, I have been taking care of me and doing a pretty good job of it. Making the big decisions, leaping bravely off cliffs, never passing opportunity by, forging ahead into the unknown, often with trepidation but always combined with a deep curiosity and wonder. With confidence and assurance. I'm not sure what happened to her ...
I wonder often where did she go ?

This house is too big for me to look after, as much as I love it, it needs big maintenance and constant expensive repairs. The yard which is enormous is gradually becoming a tangled forest of green which is threatening to swallow this old brick house whole. I don't know how to stop it and I can't afford to hire the people who do know how. I know I can't let that happen - but it's gotten far beyond what I can do, what I want to do. But yet I stand still ... not knowing what to do.

I feel frozen, at a complete stand still, and although my days, especially these summer days are often filled with peace, beauty and real joy (for which I feel tremendously grateful), I do feel satisfaction and accomplishment on a regular basis, two things which always are essential and important for me to feel ... yet the underlying current of my life feels - unsettled - and it never goes away. It nibbles constantly at my contentment and it casts it's dark shadow over my attempts to live in the moment.

For everything you have missed,
you have gained something else,

and for everything you gain,
you lose something else.


Ralph Waldo Emerson

oh shut up Ralph ... that's so helpful. Sigh.

Check out Alice in Paris Loves Art and Tea a blog about art, life and the goings on in and around the city I think, I just might ... want to move to.

A note on tiny red puppies. They have arrived. 7 boys and 2 girls and I am not getting one this year but I am going to have a little red puppy in my new life ... just not yet. I hope you're listening M. Universe - I am going to have a little red puppy.

13 comments:

  1. Susan, dear one, you are on the cusp of transition. It is a terrifying place. On the other hand I keep working to get back to my house by the sea. I am taking on another position in hopes of eventually paying for it all. This time I'll be back in Nova scotia, but still 249 Km from my home. I had hoped to retire, but...

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  2. SNORT! "Oh, shut up Ralph" You may be all those push/pull things but you're still funny as hell.
    Be careful. Little red puppies have a funny way of sneaking into your life when you're not looking.

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  3. PS. The Dim Sum is going every other week. Which means not this Sunday but the next. Most likely Child's Play. I'm thinking your ice cream obession will fit nicely...

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  4. I know all about what you describe as that unsettled feeling. It doesn't attack quickly.. but it eats away slowly at courage. I think a good hearty laugh, chocolate, and vision of the next adventure are the best medicine! Can't wait to see how it goes? Oh, and doggy hugs do wonders too. I just had to click on that puppy like, *sigh* they are gorgeous!!

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  5. B. Shamu I say phew ! surely I can handle Child's Play - I like.

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  6. Oh Susan! there is A LOT in this post! You know I keep you in my prayers...and on the red puppy subject: I am whispering to the universe!

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  7. thanks sweet angel Vicki H !

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  8. Tell me again....why are you not getting a little red puppy???

    Edward and Apple want to know!

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  9. When you do arrive in Halifax, we will have a play date or two or three. You will get to meet Monty and I will have the delightful honor of welcoming your wee furry friends to their new city.
    Change is hard but what is harder I think, is coming to a firm decision. Once that decision is really made, all things will flow towards making it happen.
    Whatever you do, life will be what you make it:)
    xox

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  10. Standing on the precipice. I've been there, sweets. Don't know whether to jump or step back. I know. I'm thinking about ya.
    Brenda

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  11. Can I just add to what aliceinparis commented "once that decision is made all things will flow towards making it happen". I am amazed at watching this process take place now that my parents have sold their home of 57 years.I can't believe the flow- wow! I have also found this in my own life -almost as if the universe says "right, she's decided that, let's make it happen...".and, "oh shut up Ralph"...Susan, you are so funny. Great willpower with the puppy by the way.You obviously feel the time is not quite right.I am so pleased in a way, that we cannot have animals where we are renting - my heart melts with every wagging tail that needs a home.

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  12. Susan, those puppies are just worth dying for!! I want them! Why don't you start a kennel and raise puppies? Then you could lie down in the grass and have at least ten puppies chewing on your hair, biting your hands, yipping and waggling, and walking all over you. If life could just stop in the moment, that is what I would want my moment to be!! I know you will get all your decisions to come together at the right time and place.

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  13. Oh, Susan - I've missed your blog for a couple of days. Dang, change is hard, even change that we in our heart of hearts feel like might be good for us. I wish there was something I could do to help you! But alas, I am way south, here in Maryland. Be brave, my friend!!! xox

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